Five Keys to Post-Divorce Happiness
When I got divorced, I read all the divorce memoirs I could get my hands on. I had high hopes that reading about women who had lived through divorce would give me comfort and help me feel optimistic about my own hard times.
Tears would be shed. I would make a few bad decisions, break some hearts, sleep with a bunch of attractive men, and then, perhaps a year or so after my divorce, I would sit on the beach watching the sun set over the ocean, and have an epiphany about the meaning of life.
There were some variations on this epiphany, of course. It could happen while sitting on the beach or alternately, while sitting on the banks of a river or a lake—basically any majestic body of water of my choice. And the sun might not be setting, but instead rising and/or moving between the clouds etc. Said epiphany would most likely involve me reclaiming my power/ reclaiming my authenticity/ reclaiming my identity outside of being a mother/wife etc—but I would definitely be reclaiming something. And then finally, after all this, life would be fabulous.
Sunset Epiphany, 2019
You probably think I’m exaggerating about the epiphany, but I assure you, the sunrise/sunset revelation was such a mainstay of the post-divorce memoir that I began planning my hypothetical beach vacation before I even hired a divorce attorney.
It took me a few years, but gradually I gave up on finding the meaning of life in the divorce memoirs I read and instead realized how little I actually had in common with any of the women writing them, aside from the very small part about getting divorced. You see, it turns out there are five keys to post-divorce happiness. And because my life at the time contained none of those ingredients, I grew more depressed by reading the memoirs than I already was about getting divorced. To save you the time, I have summarized my findings below.
Five Keys to Post-Divorce Happiness
1. Wealthy parents with a penthouse apartment in New York City.
No divorce memoir would be complete without said parents who are essential to the divorced heroine’s story, mostly because they offer her refuge from the most depressing part of post-divorce existence—the part called everyday life.
These magical parents, living in Manhattan, offer their divorced daughters last-minute airfare, free babysitting, and of course, a much needed weekend alone at the family beach house in the Hamptons.
My parents spent most of my youth fighting only to get divorced when I left for college. Having learned nothing from their failures, I got pregnant in college, had a shotgun wedding, and moved as far from home as possible to Boise, Idaho, a town I probably wouldn’t have been able to locate on a map.
After thirteen years, three children, a failed bakery and bankruptcy, my husband and I parted ways, feeling that we had finally inflicted a sufficient amount of financial and emotional damage on each other and our children. In the wake of our divorce, I could no more afford to fly to my mother or father’s refuge, than I could afford to take that much-needed trip around the world-- which is, of course, the second key to post-divorce happiness.
Sad Cat, 2009
2. Yearlong luxury travel, (preferably international)
Once the kids are safely enrolled in a private school in a Manhattan and in the care of a part-time nanny, it doesn’t take long for the post-divorce heroine to realize she has spent too much of her life on the sidelines. It’s time for a real adventure! So she brushes up on her French, buys a new yoga mat, and sets off for a trip around the world.
It was tragic, really, that I could not travel to Italy, India, and Indonesia in the months following my divorce—when, in fact, a yearlong break from parenting and work was precisely what I needed. It was also unfair because I love pasta and yoga and men who surf.
Unfortunately, my divorce coincided with that failed bakery I mentioned—the one that left my husband and me penniless before we even separated.
When we finally sold our house and finalized our bankruptcy, we each received an escrow check for $1500.00, which in my case was just enough to pay my divorce attorney and spend a night at the Super 8 Motel near the airport.
Of course, I bypassed that motel stay for a carton of cigarettes and a box of wine—in hopes of expediting the third key to post-divorce happiness.
3. Complete loss of appetite followed by effortless weight loss.
Consumed by grief and stress, the divorced heroine is unable to eat for days at a time. With little effort, she loses vast amounts of weight and is able to fit comfortably into her Guess jeans from high school by the time she moves back home to her parents’ apartment in New York City. Soon, she feels her hipbones protruding from her whittled waist. Her cheekbones return, her breasts—amen— are smaller and perkier.
Without question, effortless weight loss was the key to post-divorce happiness I looked forward to more than any other, perhaps because it was the only part that seemed remotely attainable (given my lack of wealthy parents and disposable income). Tragically, my appetite and weight increased in inverse proportion to my bank account. My therapist suggested that my newly desperate financial state had instead caused me to develop a fear of starvation. My mind, she said, was subconsciously telling my body to add a protective layer of fat to extend my life.
But I was just bored— nothing makes a person hungrier than a prolonged lack of money combined with a prolonged lack of sex.
And while I store fat for the long cold winter of my boring new life, what does the divorced heroine do? Well, she returns from her travels, having shed her inhibitions along with the pounds, and enters into a mid-life crisis of sorts, except no one calls it a mid-life crisis because she doesn’t buy a sports car or run off with a bass player. Instead, the divorced heroine sets caution to the wind and discovers the fourth key to post-divorce happiness.
4. The Year of Yes, Yes, Yes!!!
Once the divorce papers have been signed, and four martinis have been consumed, the divorced heroine proclaims the coming year to be the year of no regrets, the year of no looking back, the year of yes. Tango dancing with a beautiful lesbian? Why not. Trip to Dubai? When do we leave? Blind date with anyone with a pulse? Bring it on! Given the booze and lack of food in her stomach, the post-divorce heroine makes these promises with a compromised ability to speak and a complete lack of inhibitions. Yet, surprisingly, she keeps her word throughout the following year. Of course, there are some terrible dates, a few ill-prepared karaoke performances, and twenty-four hours with an iguana, but to be clear, she has no regrets.
Following my divorce, I had my own midlife crises, one that involved about 2000 cigarettes and a bunch of cat drawings I made with my children.
I did things I never dreamed I would do, like eating expired frozen dinners and bumming matches from the homeless guy outside the grocery store. The fifth and final key to happiness was nowhere in sight.
5. Post-Divorce Boyfriend (not to be confused with the second husband.)
With the doldrums indeed behind her, the post-divorce heroine ends the year with a framed photo of her sky-diving adventure, a rolling dice tattoo on the small of her back, and the fifth key to post-divorce happiness making martinis for her in his boxer shorts. Life is good!
Due to being fifteen years her junior and broke, the post-divorce boyfriend is not marriage material. He is the one she meets at the gym or the deli counter at Whole Foods. The relationship takes place in the apartment he shares with his chocolate lab, Cash, and in the college bar across town that offers dark corners and anonymity.
Mostly, the post-divorce boyfriend is young and sweet, and able to have sex all night long. He serves the purpose of reminding the post-divorce heroine how desirable she is and how her maturity and confidence make her far more attractive than women half her age.
Neither party envisions a long-term relationship; therefore, neither party is overly sad when it ends. He can’t introduce her to his parents; she can’t introduce him to anyone. And so unlike the disintegration of her marriage, the end is as amicable as it is inevitable. They decide to keep in touch, a caveat to the breakup that rescues the post-divorce heroine from bouts of loneliness, but ultimately reminds her that she deserves more. (All of which unfolds in the second marriage sequel that never sells as well.)
Obviously, the post-divorce boyfriend did not end up in my bed. And there is a perfectly good reason for that—because dating for a divorced mother is complicated, especially if you lack the aforementioned wealthy parents. If you have one child, it is a bit like having a pet turtle. The turtle is cute, it eats very little, and it doesn’t bark. If you have three children, you’re dealing with a full-on petting zoo. The animals need food, they smell bad, they forget everything you say to them and one of them is always making a mess or forgetting to flush the toilet.
Lucy, Sam, and Stella, circa whenever I was still using a real camera instead of an iPhone.
I don’t mean to suggest that my children deterred potential dates from seeking my company, or that I regretted having them the way I would regret owning a llama or a pig. Rather, my love for those kids outweighed any desire I had to meet a boyfriend, and loving them took all of my time and energy.
I am happy to report that even despite my lack of effort on the dating front, I did end up meeting a great guy, and as luck would have it, he had a petting zoo of his own.
I wasn’t trying to script a sexy story when my first marriage ended. Like most of the single mothers I know living in the real world, I spent a great deal of time simply trying to make it through the day; sneaking cigarettes behind the garage, and wondering when exactly my children would start to blame me for ruining their lives (which, in case you are interested, turns out to be the age of seventeen).
If you are lucky enough to possess these five keys to post-divorce happiness, I offer you my sincerest congratulations, because you are not only rich and skinny, but you have plenty of free time to write the next best selling divorce memoir.
If, on the other hand, you are like me and find yourself lacking these five keys, don’t despair. Life is more than a trip to Venezuela, more than a number on the scale, and more than a month of multiple orgasms with a twenty-five-year-old. Well, I’m not sure about that last one, but you get my point.
No, the five keys to post-divorce happiness never made their way into my life story. I never found the time or the extra twenty grand to take that trip around the world. I have no tattoos, and I’m still waiting for that effortless weight loss, and yet I stand here ten plus years later, a happy woman.
With love from the other side,
Kelly