The Art of Herding Cats: How I Survived the Teenage Years without Losing My Mind
When the selfie doesn’t go as planned
When my kids were little, I'd go to parent-teacher conferences or chaperone a field trip and think, my kids, are angels compared to most of these yahoos. As a high school teacher, I'd see my students getting into trouble or making bad choices and pat myself on the back. Clearly, I had cracked the code on this parenting thing. Naturally, my kids would be model teenagers because I was a model parent.
Boy, was I wrong.
Back then, it was easy to assume I had total control of how my kids turned out— that their behavior was a reflection of my character and diligence.
It's the type of arrogance only time can erase. Because let me tell you, if the outcome were based solely on my effort, my kids would have fixed climate change and world hunger by now, and I'd be winning a Nobel Peace Prize for merely giving birth.
Ten years and four kids later, the evidence is in, and despite my earlier assumptions and 150% of my effort, I have not cracked the code on raising perfect children. After earning merit-based scholarships to several good schools, my son took a U-turn after graduation and decided to take a year off to be a ski bum. In the summer of her junior year, my middle daughter tried her hand at becoming a hippie, dressing like Janis Joplin, and refusing to brush her hair.
And without the help of any illegal substances, my stepdaughter wrecked four cars in a month, including a 2-for-1 accident in which she backed one car out of the garage and hit another car parked in the driveway.
The youngest is definitely up to something, but she seems to have learned a few things from her siblings and is a little better at not getting caught.
Back when Sam was perfect
It might be a convenient theory given my track record, but I have come to understand that what my kids do when they are teenagers up isn't really about me. I can offer guidance and advice until I'm blue in the face, but some lessons can only be learned firsthand. The choices my kids make, the good, the bad, and the "Did you leave your brain at home?" variety, are about them— their struggles, their journeys, and the world they inhabit. And can't we all agree that this world is far more complicated than the one we knew as teenagers?
I'm not in a position to offer anyone parenting advice other than to say be kind to each other, and when your children are small, try to have compassion for your friends and neighbors with teenage children—you will be in their shoes soon enough.
I promise you, the moment you start judging that kid who threw a party down the street last week or assuming that his mom charged everyone a cover and hired the DJ, the universe will start dreaming up ways to humble you.
As for my kids, despite the occasional hiccups, the frontal lobes appear to be maturing. The ski bum will graduate from college this year with a degree in Chemical Engineering. The middle one still has her own sense of style but has traded in her dreadlocks for a hairbrush and braids. My stepdaughter earned all A's her first semester of college and hasn't had an auto accident in over a year, and the youngest is certainly no angel, but damn she does a good job at faking it. Either that or maybe I'm just learning how to pick my battles and look for progress more than perfection.
My daughter Lucy at University of Montana
No matter how many dumb things my kids have done over the years, I wouldn't trade them for anyone else's and yet I might have lost my mind if not for the friendship and support of other parents who have shared their parenting struggles and listened to mine with a good sense of humor.
All grown up
We keep telling ourselves that someday all this will be funny. Fingers crossed that day happens soon! In the meantime, I hope the world offers all of our teenagers grace as they make mistakes and learn from them. And I hope we offer more of that grace to each other as parents.
With love and empathy and all the second chances,
